Supporting a Loved One Facing Hair Loss

A reader recently asked me to give some ideas for how to engage with loved ones who are dealing with hair loss from alopecia, chemotherapy, or some other cause. I loved the compassionate heart behind that request! Below are some broad strokes to consider, although they should certainly be tailored to your particular circumstance, personality, and relationship.

What could I say to someone who tells me they're experiencing hair loss?

How you communicate is probably more important than what specific words you use. Try to communicate caring and support with tone, non-verbals and mental/emotional presence. Below are some words that could help:

Thank you for sharing this with me.
I care about you. You are important to me.
I’m so sorry this is happening / has happened to you.
You are beautiful / special / wonderful.
This doesn’t change the way I see you.
You don’t need to hide from me.
How can I support you?
I’m here when you want to talk about it, but we also don’t have to. I’ll follow your lead.

What should I NOT say?

Be aware that this person is being very vulnerable with you and may be experiencing some big feelings about it. Try to stay away from comments like:

Hair isn’t important / this is no big deal.
Other people have much bigger problems than yours.
I have much bigger problems than yours.
You’re being vain.
Hair loss is bad / gross / wrong / ugly / hilarious, etc.
I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that.

What if it makes me uncomfortable? It's okay to feel uncomfortable. Unusual and unexpected things often can, especially at first! Here are some ideas to help manage that experience:

Educate yourself about it. Information can help remove some of the mystery and drama.
Remind yourself of the things that are true and good about this person – what you like about them. Focusing on these things can help reduce the shock of change and recenter your mind on what's important.
Take a moment to really imagine yourself facing this challenge. How would it impact you? How would you hope others would think / feel / respond? Use that to inform your own response.
Go ahead and grieve for them if you need to, and pray for them if you are a praying person. It can help you process and also help you relate to them.
Definitely enjoy and appreciate your own hair! You don't have to talk about it with your loved one, but you should certainly enjoy that blessing without any guilt or hesitation whatsoever.

What if I feel a need to look / stare at them? This inclination is totally normal, and it will likely take time for you to process this new information. While you're adjusting:

Try to focus on making eye contact with them.
Take the opportunity to look at them when they are facing another direction or otherwise engaged.
Do an internet search on hair loss and your loved one’s particular situation. You can satisfy some of your curiosity through the freely posted images, then simply imagine your loved one experiencing what you see to some degree.

What if it doesn’t feel like a big deal to me?

Someone else’s mountain might feel like your molehill. I get it -- this happens to all of us at times.

If you care about them and it’s a mountain in their mind, please treat it like one.
Express care and sympathy in a way that feels authentic to you. Don't feel like you need to over-exaggerate your feelings, but making reasonable space for them to express theirs would be a generous and compassionate approach.

How can I support them?

This is a great question for your loved one -- please ask them! In the meantime, here are a few additional ideas:

Feel free to laugh with them, but not at them. Humor can really help to bring life and dull pain, but you may want to let them take the lead.
Affirm them. Hair loss can have a significant impact on self-esteem. Especially when hair loss is new or when they first share it with you, your loved one may really need extra love, positive attention and genuine, heartfelt affirmation. Overall, communicating warmth and your high regard for them really matters.
Have grace with them. They may experience an emotional rollercoaster that involves anger, grief, envy, fear, shame, anxiety, and other feelings, and they may be extra sensitive at times.
Have grace with yourself. Even our best intentions come up against bad days, short tempers, or slips of the tongue. Play the long game, and be kind to yourself as you do your best to navigate the complexity of another person’s thoughts, experiences and emotions on this topic.

Bottom line: when possible, show up, be present, communicate care, and try to have grace with everyone involved, yourself included. There isn't a magic formula for this, just well-intentioned people trying to show respect and care to their loved ones during a difficult season.

I really appreciated this question, as well as those of you reading it in order to better support someone in your life. Thank you for who you are!

If you have additional questions, feel free to send me a message through the contact page.

If you’ve personally experienced hair loss and have additional suggestions/comments to add to the above ideas, please send me a note as well! I’d love to hear from you.

All my best,

Lindsay