As I have begun writing about alopecia, I find myself suddenly talking about it more. As I mentioned in an earlier post, the other night over dinner I told my story to some friends, two of whom knew nothing about my alopecia and had never noticed that I wear a wig. Instead of the seemingly inevitable “vulnerability hangover,” the next day I felt lighter, stronger, and more confident. Suddenly I feel like it is flowing out of me. I want to talk about this.
I know that this is hugely impacted by the wonderfully supportive response from the friends I told. Each of the three of them made a point to send me such supportive texts later that night and the next day.
“I love you. I am glad you shared with us your heart. Will pray for you.”
“I want you to know that I love YOU! Thank you for being courageous last night and letting us into your life a little more. I know that was not easy. You are a beautiful, strong, thoughtful woman and I am so thankful to call you friend! Praying with and for you on this healing journey.”
“Hey, just wanted you to know I appreciate you sharing tonight. Being vulnerable is hard, but brave. Thx you for trusting us with your story!!!!”
And the next morning, “no vulnerability hangover today! It’s GOOD to share and process!!!”
I am so thankful for their warm and loving hearts and the way they each independently reached out to me and gave me their support.
I told my husband what I have been doing, writing about alopecia. That I feel this pull to do it, and that for some reason out of all of the life experiences and health issues, etc. that I have been through, THIS is the one I feel called to really share. I keep picturing people who just need someone to talk to about this. Someone to relate to or just to hear from. Maybe it’s to hear a similar experience. Maybe it’s to hear someone’s experience and to choose to live differently. I don’t really know, but I think I am supposed to talk about this.
I feel like I have been fighting my own story, because it’s not a story that I have wanted to have. But what do we have to share with others but ourselves and our stories? This one is mine. My husband is my teammate. Why was I surprised that he was so supportive, so engaged, so on board? He has been my partner in this since before we were married. I am realizing that sometimes I really underestimate the loved ones in my life. I was downright shocked when my son told me he hopes I will tell more people about alopecia so I could go diving in the pool with him.
Then yesterday another friend came over and began to tell me that she has been wrestling with some memories in her past and that she has begun writing in order to own her story. The topic is different but the processing experience she described is so similar to where I am right now. What a gift to talk to someone else who is walking a similar path. I was encouraged and reminded that this processing is good.
So, what am I learning this week?
I want to own alopecia instead of alopecia owning me.
As I talk about it more with other people, I actually feel more in control – of the situation, of the narrative, of myself.
There is something beautiful and important about being faithful to sit down and write. Some days words come and others they do not – but the commitment to writing is as important as what I have to say.
I don’t know whether my words about alopecia are just for me to grow and process, or whether they are meant to be shared with someone else. And that is okay. It is okay to be in the space of doing, and to trust that it will become clear later on whether I am supposed to do something with it.
It is important to rejoice in the good times. I have actual hair on my head right now, for the first time in over 7 years. I can't believe it. It is imperfect and spotty, but it is also SOFT and downy and dark brown and it is MINE. It may grow in thicker and it might just fall out again…so right now, it is time to enjoy it. To pet my head, to smile at myself in the mirror when it catches my eye, to enjoy using conditioner in the shower. It is okay to be charmed and I don’t have to fret about whether it is impermanent. Life is impermanent. But this is such a sweet gift for today, and I am thankful for it. <3
My son is paying close attention. Of course he is. He knows that I want the blinds closed at night for privacy because of my hair. He knows that I hold back from doing some things because of my hair. He sees me opting out of experiences out of fear of being seen. But he also hears me rejoice in my hair regrowth. He hears me tell him how I felt brave when I told some friends about alopecia. He sees me choose to wear a swim cap all week at the beach, take a deep breath and towel dry my bare head in public around strangers. He sees his father hug and kiss me all the time, regardless of what is or is not on my head. And he is seeing me grow and change. I hope that as I continue to grow into myself, past, present and future, he will take the good things from this and grow into his wonderful self too.