I was brave today! My son had a play date at the park with one of his good buddies while I sat on a bench hanging out with the other boy’s mom. We have become acquaintance friends because of our kiddos, and we enjoy each other’s company when our sons play every few weeks or so. These are the friends that we met up with at the pool with all last summer, so conversation naturally turned to our neighborhood pool opening in a few short weeks.
You may remember from previous posts that my 7-year-old has expressed many times that he really wants to go diving underwater with me in the pool this summer. For some reason this is really important to him. That said, it is not something I am about to do with a wig on, so the decision will have to be made: either continue with the status quo or make the move and don a swim cap instead. While I have thought about this over the past few months it has always been a theoretical situation, but suddenly the reality is looming and I have been feeling more urgency to make this decision (and begin mentally gearing up to actually do it).
As we sat on the park bench discussing whatever miscellany was on our minds, I suddenly realized that it was a quiet moment and that if I wanted to talk to her about alopecia, this was a (the?) moment. I hesitated, and then casually asked if I could talk to her about something personal. I told her (pretty simply actually) that I have a condition called alopecia and asked if she was familiar with it. She couldn’t place it, so I told her that it’s an autoimmune disorder that causes hair to fall out for no good reason, that I have had it for many years, and that I have worn a wig for about 10 years now. I explained that my son has wanted to go diving with me and that this would mean I might show up at the neighborhood pool with just a swim cap this summer, and that as my friend I wanted to let her know about it. And then, she…nothing. Seriously, just, hardly a ripple in the conversation. No raised eyebrow, no weird face, no staring. Just acceptance and moving on. Who knows what she was thinking underneath (perhaps, “hello, I’ve already noticed your hair”), but I have to admit, I was surprised.
At some point somehow it did come up that children can say mean or thoughtless things, and that 7 is an age where you just don’t know what will come out of a kid's mouth. This has been one of my concerns, folks. Going public about this isn’t just going to affect me, of course, it will also affect my son (as well as my husband and possibly other family members). That’s part of why I want to talk to the parents of my son’s friends first before just showing up somewhere looking different. My theory is that maybe the adults they will talk to their children and get their first reactions out of their systems before their kids talk to mine. Worth a shot.
After they left for home, I sat on the park bench with my kiddo and told him I’d just been brave. As soon as I said I had talked to her about my hair, his face lit up in a HUMONGOUS smile. He gave me a bear hug and immediately brought up diving together.
Fear is a sneaky thing. The pull for protection is so strong…self-protection, protection of loved ones. I found myself immediately following my “brave” speech to my son by asking him if it was okay with him that this of his friend would know about alopecia. He said yes. Then I felt the need to explore in some detail the fact that people can say unkind things, that some might even do it on purpose. We talked about the fact that he might get made fun of because of me, and that while this makes me sad, I can’t change it, so he gets to have a say in what we decide about how much to share. I asked him for the gazillionth time whether, in light of this, he still wanted us to tell people about alopecia. Again, BIG smile and immediate “yes.” So naturally, I pushed the issue again (and completely beat a dead horse...lucky kid). I asked him to think again about what he would say if someone said something mean or made fun, and he responded, “yes, my mom has alopecia. She’s my mom and I love her.” We then talked about how important it is that regardless of what someone says, it is always, always okay to talk to me or to daddy about it and that he doesn't have to hide anything from us.
After all this, you would have think we'd have high fived and gone swimming right then and there. The truth is, I still found myself telling him I wasn’t sure I would be ready this summer. He told me he doesn't care if it happens this summer, but he DOES want to dive with me in my life. He later told my husband something to the effect of “I don’t care what people say about mommy, I care that she’s my mommy. And I want to go diving with her.”
You guys, I continue to be amazed that diving thing is so significant to him, but here’s the thing, …it clearly IS. He really, REALLY wants to do this with me. Life is short and, rumor has it, so are the years when our kids want to do things with us and be seen together in public with us at all. Believe me when I say I want to get up the gumption to grant his wish and to do it sooner rather than later!!!
In light of this, I have been strategizing ways to take the edge off of it all. Before you say "margarita" (not the worst idea ;-), I'll share that I have been eating well and exercising for a couple of months (theory: feeling better about my body will make me somehow less self-conscious about my hair), I have ordered some new swim caps (maybe one will be miraculously adorable), and I plan to begin looking for more opportunities to tell my friends/neighbors 1:1 or in small groups – particularly those whose children play with mine.
I think my dream scenario would be to tell some more neighborhood friends and then have a group pool outing for my first time in the swim cap…just rip off the bandaid all at once while simultaneously being surrounded by supportive friends so I could feel a little less conspicuous. That’s a daydream I can get behind. In the meantime, a gorgeous friend of mine who has competed in several pageants mentioned the other day that in a swimsuit competition, the more bling you have on top, the less people look at other parts of you. Genius! Perhaps I will bejewel the bodice of my swimsuit and no one will notice my hair? Ha!
In all seriousness, I will be praying for wisdom and courage in all of this over the coming days and months, and would appreciate your prayers as well (along with any ideas or insight that you have to share). In the meantime, I would also love to hear what's on your mind these days! Have you been challenging yourself to try new things, or giving yourself permission to just enjoy "being"? Whatever the case, as always I am rooting and praying for you!