Last night we went for an evening swim with some close friends at our neighborhood pool. I got ready for it just like any other pool trip and then felt the strong pull to make a last-minute switch. I decided to trade my obsession with normalcy for actually having some fun. Translation: I left the “hair hat” behind and wore a cute swim cap instead!
The best part, friends, is that at long last I finally went “diving” underwater with my son at the pool as he’s been requesting for so many months. It was AWESOME. We ran right into the water together and then held hands as we swam across the pool. I felt like an Olympian. This moment deserved a medal.
The truth is that I am unbelievably proud of myself for taking this leap, and I am also a little mesmerized by this feeling of pride as it is the exact opposite of the shame and fear that have kept me from actually doing this for so many years. I expected to feel embarrassed and self-conscious the whole time. While I felt self-conscious at the beginning, by the end I just felt FREE.
I won’t pretend it was easy. I tried on 4 swim caps. I practically tossed my family out the door ahead of me so we would leave before I could change my mind. I texted a heads up to my friend so they wouldn’t be surprised when they showed up, and when we pulled into the parking lot and I realized that a neighbor’s daughter was lifeguarding that day I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths before actually getting out of the car. When I heard our friends arriving behind us, I looked at my husband with semi-panic-stricken eyes and he gave me a huge hug as we then turned and greeted everyone.
You know what, though? It was fine. I really don’t know what I had envisioned but it really was fine. It just is what it is. We laughed and played and had ball together. And I did back floats…I forgot how much I love to float with my head in the water.
There was a song that I learned as a young child which has always stuck with me… ”I’m climbing my mountain step by step, I’m climbing my mountain day by day, I’m climbing my mountain all the way, I’m climbing my mountain – I’m gonna make it…one step at a time.”
Last fall I started praying about and journaling about alopecia for my own processing, healing and growth. It was then a huge step for me to tell three friends about alopecia over dinner one evening. Last November I published this blog, and over the next few months I shared it bit by bit with just a few family members and friends. I could not have imagined that within less than a year I would talk to my many of my neighbors about my hair, stand in my kitchen talking with friends with just a softy hat on, leave my window blinds open all the time or go to the pool with just a swim cap and be at peace about it.
Tomorrow is my birthday. As I'm reflecting on this year I am grateful for the unexpected journey of the past few months, which is enabling me to step into tomorrow stronger, braver, and freer than I have ever been. Thank you, God! Onward to what comes next.
“I'm diving in, I'm going deep, in over my head I want to be
Caught in the rush, tossed in the flow, in over my head I want to go
The river's deep, the river's wide, the river's water is alive
So sink or swim, I'm diving in” -Steven Curtis Chapman
