This weekend my husband and I were able to go on a little getaway to celebrate our anniversary. Hooray! It was a super relaxing retreat, in part because that’s exactly what we needed and in part because of COVID and social distancing. Toward the end of the weekend we were flipping through movies and realized that the live action version of Mulan was available. What? Stop everything – decision made! I only saw the cartoon version a zillion times when it came out, so naturally this was the only possible option for the evening. This took absolutely zero convincing on my part by the way – he was here for it too.
If I’m honest, I should admit that I started watching this version of Mulan the way I often watch Hallmark Christmas movies – with this odd blend of excitement and sarcasm. I feel so hopeful that it will be good but also suspect that it probably won’t be what I expect or want it to be. It is hard to take a beloved story and translate it into something new, and I’m glad to say that I eventually quit judging the movie against the original and finally just immersed myself in this version of the story. I was content to be absorbed in Mulan’s world right up until the scene that threw me quite unexpectedly out of her reality and right back into my own.
As they trained for battle, over and over again Mulan and her fellow soldiers were seen carrying two buckets of water, arms outstretched, struggling to climb to a summit. My arms ached just watching them. Over and over they tried and failed. You could tell it must have been grueling, excruciating work. At last it came, the day that Mulan, embracing her truly authentic self, harnessed all that was within her and overcame the challenge. As she reached the summit and gazed over the glorious beauty of the surrounding mountains, instrumental music swelled in the background.
Anyone who knows the original Mulan would immediately hear the unspoken lyrics. “When will my reflection show who I am inside?” In that moment, embracing her true self but also hiding herself from others, Mulan is both victorious and still living in defeat. I could practically feel her longing for congruence in her life.
I see you, Mulan. I see you and I feel that.
I am so proud to finally be on the road to acknowledge and accept a significant part of myself after so many years of trying to hide it. I feel like I have been climbing mountains just trying to do this inner work of listening to myself and reflecting on what life has been, what I want it to be, who I have been, who and how I want to be. There are days that this feels grueling and just exhausting. There are days that I feel proud that I’ve made it further than ever before, and days with setbacks when I just don’t have the strength or interest in raising my arms to do the heavy lifting.
I feel that getting to the point that I am willing to share myself with others online is a huge, mountain-climbing achievement. And I feel proud, as I gaze over the landscape of what I have achieved. Still…I’m not there yet. I am still hiding in many ways in my everyday life, and I have so much more work to do to make all of this training and processing part of my every day, out-in-the-world reality.
I looked up the full lyrics to this song, and I am in love with them.
Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show who I am inside? I don’t know yet. But the day is coming – and soon.
